Lost Without the Pool: The Reality

Two months have passed since I (Leah) retired from collegiate swimming, and the reality of my new life has hit hard. I am lost and feel that I have no direction. For years, swimming was the one constant in my life, providing structure and purpose. I had concrete goals to work toward, and the satisfaction of achieving them was an internal driving force that no one really could comprehend. But now, without swimming, I am struggling, aimlessly making it through one day after the other.

I have been taking on projects to fill the time and keep myself busy, but even those do not provide the same level of satisfaction that swimming once did. My motivation to maintain a healthy lifestyle and workout comes and goes, and I find myself struggling to set goals for myself. I am unsure of what exact career future I want, which only adds to my sense of sinking and stagnation.

It is natural to question one's decisions and life choices at a time like this. But I know deep down that I have done everything to follow my heart in the most sensible and logical fashion over the past 10 years. I do not have the lingering question of "what if" to wrestle with, which is a small comfort in this confusing time.

The idea of losing oneself and one's identity is very real. For so long, I defined myself as an athlete, a swimmer in particular. Being an athlete is not something I did, it was who I was. And now, without that defining characteristic, I feel like I am searching for a new identity. I thought I had prepared myself well by being active in various avenues in my life so that this feeling would not hit as hard, but it turns out there is no such thing as preparation for this kind of loss.

However, I am trying to learn and accept that it is okay to feel lost and unsure of my next path. It is a natural part of the transition from one phase of life to another. My goal is to take this time to explore my interests and passions, and to figure out what truly makes me happy. It is a scary and uncertain time, but I am trying to embrace it and trust that I will find my way eventually. I know that with time and patience, I will come out the other side stronger.